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WR121 Final: Model Papers

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Here are three model papers to help you see what students have written in response to one of the WR121 Final questions. Each student had two hours to plan, write, and revise his or her paper, and the papers are shown as they were originally written (without editing changes by an instructor). Following each paper is a brief comment from the instructor.

Here's the question that students responded to:

Describe a challenge (positive or negative) you have faced in your life and explain how it has affected you or what you learned from it.

Model paper that exceeds the criteria ('A' or 'B')

Seeing Richard like this brought tears to my eyes. Only days before I had been eating lunch with him. Richard had been his usual jovial self, always quick with a smile and first to greet you when you entered a room. Now he laid motionless in a casket with a tranquil look on his face. The challenge of dealing with Richard's death affected me in several ways: it changed my attitude towards marijuana, made me look at my own mortality, and exposed me to the pain parents feel when they lose a child.

Richard lived across the hall from me in Wilson Dormitory. We had been neighbors for about seven months and had become good friends. Ricahrd was friends with everyone, actually. He never lost his smile, and seemed sincerely interested in how everyone was doing. Richard also smoked marijuana. In large quantities. Richard died by falling off a ski-lift. From talking to those who were in his skiing class, it was known that Richard had been high at the time of his death. Weather or not the marijuana was a contriubting factor to his death, I will always associated the marijuana with his death. No longer do I have a careless attitude towards pot. After Ricahrd's death, I take the possible consequences much more seriously.

Richard was the first person close to me that died. I was too young to remember my grandparents passing. I had never before Richard been exposed to death, and seeing Richard in a casket made me think of my own mortality. Days before Richard's accident he had wanted to go fishing with me. He had heard about the trout on the Clackamas, and had asked in his typical eager demeanor. I told him I was too busy, and to wait until next week. Obviously, we didn't get a chance. While staring blankly into the coffin, everything I ever wanted to do began running through my head. It was a long list, and for the first time I realized I didn't have forever to work on that list.

A day after the viewing, I attended the funeral with practically a third of the dorm. From where I stood I could clearly see the face of Richard's mom. She was beyond tears. She sat in shock and her face seemed incapable of being able to hold emotion. Not until they began lowering the body into the earth did she break down. Her body crumpled and she began weeping silently. It was the most painful expression I have ever seen, the pain of a mother losing her child.

The challenge of dealing with the death of a friend provided some painful lessons. As time passes the sharp blow with which the death came begins to fade, but the lessons will always be there. You don't live forever, and don't waste what time you do have always high on drugs. The image of Richard's moms face in my mind will forever remind me of that.

Comments:

• The essay begins with a classic attention-getting opening.
• The story is presented clearly and fully, not skimping on supporting details.
• The writer has a purpose behind the story he tells; he writes thoughtfully, and his writing style seems sincere.
• Words are chosen carefuly, at times expressing ideas eloquently.
• The overall structure of the essay moves the reader from incident to insight, showing a variety of modes and sentence patterns along the way.
• The essay format (each paragraph fully developed) is used very effectively.
• Careful editing and proofreading (with three or four errors) result in a finely crafted timed writing.

Model paper that meets the criteria ('C')

I had a speech impediment when I was young. I couldn't pronounce the letter 'R.' This problem had a great influence on my personality.

My parents realized I had a hard time pronouncing the letter 'R' when I was in the third grade. They talked to my school about it and decided to put me in speech therapy. Twice a week I had to meet with the school speech therapist.

Meeting with the therapist caused a lot of greef in my life. It wasn't the therapist I didn't like, but rather the class itself. When I like to go to the 'special' class, my classmates would make fun of me. It made me feel like I didn't belong.

The more kids made fun of me, the more I started to become a 'loner.' I thought that if I didn't say anything noone would notice my problem. This made me become very shy.

My father got a new job toward the end of my 3rd grade year. My family and I had to move to a different town. This meant I was going to start going to a new school.

I was suppost to go to speech therapy at this new school, but I never did. I felt it was hurting me more than it was helping.

I didn't talk much at my new school, so the kids never realized I had a problem with my speech. I didn't meet many friends, but at least I wasn't being made fun of.

By the end of my 4th grade year, I had grown out of my speech impediment. I could pronounce the letter 'R' with no problem. Though my speech problem was cleared up, I still didn't talk much.

It has taken me many years to learn that people won't judge me if I decide to speak to them. Twelve years after the fact I still have problems talking to people. Those couple of years of my childhood had a great influence on my personality and life. They turned me into a very shy individual.

Comments:

• This essay begins with a clear sense of purpose, although the introduction seems a little abrupt.
• Ideas are clearly described, although more examples are needed to fully understand this subject.
• The writer uses short paragraphs as transitions; the result is that paragraphs are underdeveloped, although logical and clear.
• The writer uses narration and comparison/contrast to analyze what happened, showing sophistication in developing ideas. The writer ends with a reflective comment.
• The wording is simple, direct, and seems sincere.
• A variety of sentence patterns are used.
• A few spelling errors occur.
• The writer seems not to have fully mastered the essay format as paragraphs are very short.

Model paper that doesn't meet the criteria ('D' or 'F')

Being a mother is a big responsibility, but a teen mother is an even greater responsibility. It's been a real challenge going to school and raising a daughter. Having a daughter has affected my life in many ways. School is a little more difficult, and sleep is rare.

I was in the learning community last term. All of your papers have to be typed. I went to class from 9 am to 12 pm or 1 pm depending on the day. After having a daughter sleep is tough, and getting to school early is a chore. I have two people to get ready now.

The tough part about getting ready is Mary is awake, and wants attention. So taking a shower and getting ready is hard in the morning. Sleep is not the only thing that has been hard. My relationship with George has been tested. Adjusting to a baby is difficult, add a relationship and it's even harder. We have no time for each other anymore. That's something we need to adjust to. We argue over stupid things like whose going to get up with the baby. Recently, our relationship has gotten stronger we have learend to work through our problems.

Having a baby is tough, but I love being a mother. Motherhood has a few difficulties, but I see past those when my little girl smiles at me. My baby needs me just as much as I need her. Watching her grow is the greatest gift of all.

Comments:

• The purpose of this paper is somewhat unclear. Supporting examples seem incomplete and to wander away from the topic.
• This undefined purpose affects the logical structure of the paper, leading to some confusing transitions and connections between ideas.
• Paragraphs are inconsistently developed.
• Supporting examples and word choices are very general.
• Although there are few errors in punctuation, grammar or spelling, the connection between the introduction and the conclusion seems underdeveloped.
• The writer never returns to some of the ideas introduced in the introduction, and the essay itself is incomplete.
  

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